


IT, a play by William Shakespeare

by skepticallysighing



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: F/M, M/M, Shakespeare, shitpost
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2019-03-30 21:06:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13960026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skepticallysighing/pseuds/skepticallysighing
Summary: Has't thee ev'r wonder'd what IT would beest like if 't be true t wast writ in iambic pentameter? Nay?Well, anon thee knoweth.





	IT, a play by William Shakespeare

**Author's Note:**

  * For [EverythingIsNightvale](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EverythingIsNightvale/gifts).



_[The scene opens with STANLEY URIS, EDDIE KASPBRAK, RICHIE TOZIER, and BILL DENBROUGH outside of a SEWER PIPE.]_

**STAN**

Yond is poison ivy, and yonder too,

And ov'r thither? Yonder is poison’d!

**EDDIE**

\- Whither? Whither is the poison ivy?

**RICHIE**

Tisn’t hither! Not all plants art ivy!

**EDDIE**

Well now, I am itchy anon, and more;

I am quaint sure tisn’t valorous f’r

Mine -

**RICHIE**

\- Thee share thine bathroom with thy mother?

**EDDIE**

Oft, aye.

**RICHIE**

Then thee belike has't crabs, Eddie.

**EDDIE**

Nay! Yond is certainly not comical!

_[BILL and RICHIE entre the PIPE, while EDDIE and STAN linger.]_

**RICHIE**  
Ho, art thee two not coming in with us?

**EDDIE**

Nay, cousin, f'r this is grizzled water.

**RICHIE**

What? What in the hell is grizzled water?

**EDDIE**

Tis basically piss and the horror,

So I am simply declaring, thou art

Splashing 'round in hundreds of gallons of

The foulest filth in the ordinary -

Art thee serious? What in hell art thee -

**RICHIE**

Doest not smelleth like horror to me, sir!

**EDDIE**

Well now, I can smelleth t from hither!

**RICHIE**

T's thy breath, wafting back to thy visage!

**EDDIE**

Has't thee ev'r hath heard of staph infection?

**RICHIE**

I shall showeth thee a staph infection!

**EDDIE**

This is unsanitary! Ho, thou art

Literally the incarnation of

Swimming inside of a the toilet bowl!

Has't thee ev'r hath heard of listeria?!

_[EDDIE screams when RICHIE throws a rotten fruit at him.]_

_[BILL picks up a SHOE.]_

Art thee no more brain than stone? thou art the

Reason we art in this position now!

**BILL**

My friends!

**STAN**

Horrors, doth not bid me yond is…

**BILL**

Nay. Georgie did wear boots f'r rain

**EDDIE**

Then who?

**RICHIE**

This shoe’s of Betty Ripsom.

**EDDIE**

Oh, horrors.

Oh, God, oh, alas! I doth not like this!

**RICHIE**

How doth thee bethink Betty doth feel if

'T be true the lady is running 'round

These tunnels with only one shoe to wear?

**STAN**

What if 't be true the dame is still hither?

**RICHIE**

Eddie, cometh with us. Betty? Betty?

**EDDIE**

Mine mother shall has't an aneurysm

If she finds out yond we art down hither!

**BILL**

If 't be true i wast Betty Ripsom,

Then I would wanteth us to findeth me.

And I wanteth to findeth Georgie too.

**EDDIE**

What if't I doth not wanteth to findeth

Those folk, Betty Ripsom and Georgie too?

I cullionly, nay offence, Bill, but

I doth not wanteth to end up like them.

I doth not wanteth to wend missing too.

**STAN**

Bill, he hast a point.

**BILL**

Mine own lief, thee too?

**STAN**

Tis summer. We art did suppose to beest

Having excitement. This is not that, Bill,

This is most scary and quite disgusting -

_[ENTRE BEN, wounded]_

**RICHIE**

Holiest shit, what hath happened to thee?

_[STAN, RICHIE, EDDIE, and BILL gather BEN and EXIT.]_

_[PATRICK HOCKSTETTER ENTRES, fire in hand]_

**PATRICK**

Doth not encave, i heareth thee, mine tits.

Prithee; doth not bethink thee can stayeth

Down hither all of the damn'd day anon.

_[ENTRE PENNYWISE, dressed in the robes of AVERY.]_

**PENNYWISE**

Thee hath found us, Patrick!

**PATRICK**

Oh, mine own god!

 _[PATRICK_ flees _but is caught. The lights go out.]_


End file.
